How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
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Let's chat about comparison!
Is it possible to quit playing the comparison game? Is there a way to quit allowing comparison to have so much control over your happiness and your confidence?
This is one of the topics I get asked about the most, and I know it's one of the biggest obstacles in our way when it comes to embracing our real.
I'm here to tell you, yes it is possible to take yourself out of the comparison game. And in this episode, I share eight thoughts about comparison, as well as two new perspective changes that I know will encourage and empower you to live a life that isn't driven by comparison!
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hey there, beautiful human. You're listening to Embrace Your Real, with me, Julie Ledbetter. A podcast where I empower you to just be you. With each episode, I dish you a dose of real talk and actionable advice for building your confidence, honoring your body and unconditionally loving your authentic self. Stay tuned if you're ready to embrace your real. Let's get in, let's go.
Hello, and welcome back to the Embrace Your Real podcast. I am so grateful that you are spending some time with me today, wherever you are in this beautiful world. Whether you're walking, you're driving, you're cooking, you're cleaning, you're working out, you're jogging, thank you for choosing to tune in. Today I want to chat with you about comparison. I know that this is a huge topic to discuss, so there's going to be many more episodes to come. But I want to share my initial thoughts on the topic, because I get asked all the time how to deal with constant comparison. We live in this world where we are constantly trying to measure up, and so my goal for you is to help you kind of reframe your mindset around beauty of others to help you prevent from even needing to compare yourself in the first place. Then at the end, I'm going to give you a practical way to help you lessen comparison in your life starting this very moment.
But before I share my thoughts and dive in, I want to share the super sweet review of the day. It comes from Martha Bennett. She said, "Spot on. Just so spot on. Julie gives advice and direction I've prayed for. I can tell an actual difference in my mindset toward myself after listening to her about accepting yourself while she has simultaneously pushed me to continue reaching my goals. Julie, thank you for this podcast." Thank you so much, Martha, for the review of the day. If you haven't already rated and reviewed the podcast on Apple podcasts, it really does help us out. It takes less than 60 seconds. All you got to do is go to the Embrace Your Real podcast on Apple and scroll all the way down and you will see the area to rate and review it. Thank you in advance if you do. Let's dive into the episode.
Okay. If you are not doing something that requires your eyesight, I need you to close your eyes for a sec and visualize that you are in a room full of puppies. Now, for me, this is a golden retriever room full of puppies. I am a golden retriever lover. Their smooshy faces, the way their puppies smell. I want you to visualize that you are in this room full of golden retriever puppies, or puppies, whatever kind of dog you have. When you're looking around these puppies, I'm guessing you're not thinking something like, "This puppy is cuter because it has longer legs." Or, "That puppy weighs less so it's more worthy." Or, "I'm going to pet that puppy because it has a bigger belly."
I mean, that kind of sounds absolutely ridiculous. No one would be in a room full of puppies and pick them apart like that. They would be noticing how each of them is uniquely adorable. Like, "Oh my gosh, look at this one. He's so cute. Look at the way he's looking," or, "look at what he's doing." When you're noticing how adorable all these puppies are, if you think one puppy is super adorable, it's not going to make you think that the other one is less adorable because of it. All it's going to do is make you think about how cute puppies are all around you.
Now, we understand that dogs are small. Some are big, some are skinny, some are chunkier. That's just the way they are. That's the way they're built. We don't think less of a pug for its big belly, and we don't think more of a greyhound for its long legs. We know that that's the way that they're built. That's the way that they're meant to be. We understand that. No matter how hard a pug tries, it's never going to have the legs of a greyhound. It wasn't designed that way. That's not how it was created.
Let's say you already have a dog. Standing in this room full of puppies isn't going to make you think that your dog is less adorable. No matter how adorable the puppies are, you're surrounded by, I'm guessing you won't find any of them as adorable as your own dog. So why can't we look at people in the same way? Why can't we understand that each of us were born differently? Some of us are short. Some of us are tall. Some of us are naturally big-boned and some of us are naturally petite. That's just the way we are, and is perfectly okay. So the next time that you're scrolling through Instagram, comparing yourself to every single person you scroll by, think of that room full of puppies. Just how each puppy is uniquely adorable, each person is uniquely beautiful. There is absolutely no need to compare. We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. I know this may seem like a silly analogy, but it really does convey the point that I'm trying to make.
With that in mind, I have eight more thoughts that I want to share with you on comparison. Thought number one, there is enough room in this world for everyone's beauty. So don't think that just because someone is beautiful, it makes you less beautiful. When you notice and appreciate someone else's beauty, I promise it will not take away from your own beauty. Fact number two, whoever's life you think is way better than yours or whoever's life you wish you were living, have you actually ever lived their life before? I'm guessing that you're going to say no, so why are you so sure that it's better than yours? Because in reality, you really have nothing to go by and you really have no idea. You are going off of a complete assumption and you are allowing that to ruin how you are experiencing your own life right now. So quit assuming.
Fact number three, we are all created by the same God, which means that the beauty that you see in the girl that you're comparing yourself to is the same exact beauty that is within you. We are all created by the same God. Remember that. Fact number four, many times the playing ground is unequal. Comparing your body to somebody else's body is like comparing an apple to an orange. Maybe you started on your health and fitness journey and they've been on theirs for years. You are not being fair to yourself by allowing yourself to compare yourself. You are allowing their body to discourage yours. Allow it to encourage you and give you hope for maybe what you're capable of accomplishing years down the road.
Fact number five, when comparing your body to somebody else's body, you need to ask yourself, what does that body say about them and what does your body say about you? If you answer the question honestly, you'll most likely come to realize that their body and your body doesn't say anything about who you are as a person. This is the same for comparing your makeup, comparing your clothes, comparing your houses, comparing your cars. Whatever it is that you're struggling with, none of those things say anything about who you are or who they are as a person.
Fact number six, have you ever heard the quote, "The flower doesn't compare itself to the flower next to it, it just blooms"? This is what you truly need to do. You just need to sit and tell yourself, "I am here to bloom myself." Don't waste your energy on the flower next to you using your energy for blooming. I promise, when you fully dedicate yourself to embracing your real, you'll realize that there is really no energy left for comparison. And when you know that you're doing the best that you can and being the best that you can, there really is no reason to compare, because you know that you've truly done all that you can do. I'm going to talk about this in a little bit, but it's so important that you dedicate yourself to embracing your real, not dedicate yourself to try to embrace somebody else's real as your own, and then get discouraged when you're realizing that that doesn't fit in your life. We all have our own things. We all have our own life, and it's so important that we stay in our own lane.
Fact number seven, when you compare, you fail to be grateful for all that you have and all that you are. On the flip side, when you practice gratitude daily, it's difficult to fall victim to comparison because you feel so overwhelmed at how much you have to be grateful for.
Fact number eight, search for the beauty in all things. When you're able to see the beauty in each person and each thing, including yourself, there is literally no need to compare because everything else becomes equally beautiful. I challenge you to practice this mindset daily. What beauty can you find in the overload of your work, in that unfortunate situation, in the barista making your coffee, in the person that you don't really like, in yourself? When you choose to actively practice this daily, as many times as possible, it will really help you to learn to look and seek for the beauty in its own way, and it's a beautiful mindset to live in. Pun intended. I'm being so serious.
On that note, I wanted to briefly touch on this perspective shift that I got from a Bob Goff quote. He said, "We won't be distracted by comparison if we're captivated by purpose." Now, I want to kind of dissect this. Because when I first was reading this, I was like, "Wow, I love it." Then it got me thinking like, "Okay, so if we are captivated by purpose, then we won't be as distracted by comparison. So how do we actually get captivated by purpose?" The less content and fulfilled you feel in your own life, it's more likely that you're going to be distracted and discontent with what you see other people doing or having. Am I right? So it goes back to the question, what does it mean to be captivated by purpose? What if your distraction has caused you to avoid what you really should be doing in your life?
I know for me, when I feel distracted by comparison, I have to ask myself questions because that means that I'm not captivated enough by the purpose of my own life. Whether that is that I'm in the wrong place, like I should be somewhere else because so many different areas like a career, a relationship, different things, or it's that I'm not actively seeking it. Some great questions kind of ask yourself about this topic is, what do you do and what do you spend the most time on? Being completely honest. Because, the average American spends four to six hours either watching TV, Netflix, or scrolling through feeds. That's almost a full work day every single day. The average American spends most time behind a screen, four to six hours. And that's being conservative, being real. Especially when we are all in the stay-at-home orders with everything going on right now, we're at home a lot more.
So ask yourself, what are you spending the most time doing? If that's you and I will be completely 100 with you. That's me too. I struggle with scrolling. It's my job. I'm on Instagram like half of the day, so it's super easy to get sucked into comparison. Another question to ask, where does your mind wander often? Does it wander towards, "Oh, I wonder what they're doing. I wonder what that's like. I wonder what she looks like"? And you're just constantly asking questions about the other person and what they're doing and why you can't do that or asking yourself, "Why am I not as good as this?" And constantly getting that negative narrative in your head. Is that something that you're constantly asking yourself? Another question to ask, are you currently focused on the present things going on in your life? Another question to ask is, is there something that you feel is a call in your life that you've been resisting?
Let me talk about this one. I know for me, for years and years and years of my life, I felt called to do a podcast. I felt called to do speaking. I am currently feeling called to write a book, and I have resisted that calling for so long. I've resisted it because the trap of imposter syndrome, of thinking like, "Who am I to offer this advice when I still struggle?" I have resisted it because I've thought, "What are they going to think of me once I put it out? Is it going to be well received? Are people going to understand where I'm coming from?" I've resisted it because all I've ever known is all that I've ever lived up to. So if I've never actually experienced it, for example, I had never launched a podcast before. I've never written a book before. So it's all you ever know, you live in that narrative of, "Could I really do it?" Because I've never shown myself that I could. And going more in a health and fitness realm.
If you've only ever struggled with starting something and stopping it and this vicious cycle, but you feel like you want to get to this place of sustainability and you don't know how, you're resisting it because you keep telling yourself that you're going to fail. So it can be like self-sabotage as well. Those are some great questions to ask because, we want, our goal is to be captivated by purpose so that we won't be distracted by comparison. I know for me, there's still so many things that I want to get done and I oftentimes just find myself scrolling through social media or reading endless articles or listening to things about how to start. Then eventually, getting distracted again by social media. How are they doing? What are they up to? "Oh, look at this new car. Look at this new house. Oh, look at this new dress there. This outfit that she's talking about." Constant, constant comparison. Then I start to either feel resentful or bitter, which typically leads me down a path of avoiding the one thing that I set out to do in the first place, which was research.
"How do I launch this?" Or even just personal self-development, like learning something new, learning a new skill set. We constantly get distracted because we're just trying to measure up. We're trying to see what they're doing to see if that's something we need to do, et cetera. Spouses, parents, leaders. For some of you who might be listening, you might not feel particularly called to any such project. Like I just said, I feel called to a book and I felt called for a long time to a podcast. But right now you are doing something. Right now you have a role in your life, whether you acknowledge it or not. And so, it's really important that you are constantly evaluating the roles that you are already living in. For example, are you a spouse? Are you a girlfriend? Are you a sister? Are you a daughter? Are you a friend? Are you a leader? Are you a coworker?
There's so many different roles that we play every day and a great place to start if you don't feel like you are called right now in this season of life to a specific project that will allow you to be captivated by purpose, ask yourself if you're honoring those roles in your life properly. Spouses again, parents, leaders. Have you been fully engaged in that role or have you been distracted? Most of us, we spend our life scrolling through feeds instead of investing into deepening that relationship. Or strengthening your knowledge in your skill set of what you're doing. Or you're just going through your day to day simply interacting with them, but you are not investing your time with them. I want you to ask yourself if you are a spouse, I'm talking to all of the wives out there. Have you truly spent the last seven days, think back in the last seven days of your life, have you spent the last seven days truly prioritizing your role as a wife?
That means investing your time. That means putting aside your phone, being intentional with your energy spent with your spouse. I know for us, every single week we have date night. Recently, all of our date nights have been at home. We actually prefer date nights at home, but we've been trying to get out at least going for a bike ride and things like that. It's so important that I set aside my phone because, what I have found, and I'm, again, being completely honest with you. I said, there's been some times where I am with my husband all day. We work together, which is a whole nother story, but I'm with my husband all day. Let's say on a Saturday. I'm spending so much time with him and by the end of the day, I still don't feel like, "Man, I don't feel like I really invested in that relationship." Like I was very passive. We both had our phones. We're both scrolling. We're both kind of side talking as we're scrolling through and we're just not having an intentional conversation.
Remember, it's not really the time that you're spending with the person or in the role that you're playing. It's not about spending all this time with them. It's about the energy invested in the time that you have. Think about that. If you don't feel again, called to a specific project that's captivating your purpose, ask yourself if you're truly honoring those roles, like calling your parents, calling your friends, being intentional with your coworkers. The things and groups and places that you might be a leader in, are you truly showing up in the best way possible? Because that's a way to be truly captivated by your purpose. What I have found is that, when you feel purposeful in your work, you often have less and less and less time to even allow yourself to get to a place where you start comparing yourself, because you're so invested making your life and everybody else around you in the roles that you touch. Whether it's your kids, it's your friends, it's your coworkers, it's your spouse, it's your family. You are trying to make that a better situation.
So invest that time into creating a change in your life instead of trying to measure up constantly to what you're seeing online. I know for me, there was a time before I started working full time in Ledbetter that I was in a job that I previously loved at the time. But my passion started to change, and I started to compare myself and I started to ask myself, "Is this really where I'm supposed to be?" Sometimes we go through those things in our career, is a great example. If you don't feel purposeful in your career, is it time for a change? Sometimes, it's yes. Other times, it's just that you have to actively search for the purpose beyond what you're seeing every day. Typically, the reason you're seeing it day to day in the same light is because it's just become habitual. It's something that you constantly go back to and it's just something normal and in your comfort zone.
And so, it's really important that you kind of go through the different areas of your life and ask yourself like, "Am I captivated by purpose in my health? Am I Captivated by purpose in my relationships? Am I captivated by purpose in my career?" Go through those different areas, those pillars of your life and ask yourself if you are captivated by purpose. If you're not ask yourself, "Is it time for a change or is it time for me to simply just try to actively search for more purpose in this?" Because remember, life doesn't always and will not always go the way that you want it to. Same with work. Like, you might feel called to a specific area of career, but it might be so hard right now. Whether you're in nursing school, you're in school or things are just not going the way that you thought they would and you're starting to question like, "Is this even the area that I am supposed to be in? Because it's so hard. It's not what I thought."
But sometimes, and most often, life is not the way that we thought it would go. But you can always, and you will always be able to find purpose in whatever it is that you are currently in if you choose to have that perspective. So if you've been feeling distracted or unsatisfied with your life, especially when it comes to comparing your life to others, I want to encourage you to recommit to your own life. Try to find purpose in what you have right now. Fully engage yourself and constantly ask yourself, what other results or experiences would you like to have on a day to day basis? Then commit to taking the actions to get there. Because oftentimes, the more purpose you choose to find in your own life, your physical health, your mental health, your family, your work, your legacy, your community, the less time and energy you will have to even compare yourself to other people's lives.
I hope that that encouraged you. I want to, again, just remind you this quote, because I think if we are constantly remembering this quote, it will allow us to go deeper and try to always be captivated by purpose in our life. Again, Bob Goff said, "We won't be distracted by comparison if we are captivated by purpose." The goal in this life is to have purpose, to find purpose. Find purpose in your relationships. Find purpose in your career. Find purpose in all of the different roles that you are doing, and if that just means starting to look at the different roles that you're playing and asking yourself if you're honoring those roles that you are playing in your life, or if it's something that's kind of taking the back seat, which is why comparison is distracting you so much.
If you loved this episode, I know you'll love episode 12. If you haven't already tuned into that episode, it's stop caring about what other people think of you. It really goes hand in hand with comparison because, most of the times we compare ourselves to others because we care about what other people think. So if we can stop caring about what others think, we'll also feel less of a need to compare ourselves. In this episode, I help you break free from the opinions of others and empower you to truly embrace your real without caring about what other people think. I share some perspectives on why people judge you and why you shouldn't let it bother you or change you.
Again, be sure to tune in to episode 12. We'll link in in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you got something from it. If anything, I just want you to truly be captivated by purpose in your own life, because we all have a specific purpose in our life. We all have a calling on our life and our calling, of course, is going to change throughout the years as our seasons of life changes, things and opportunities arise and things happen, but when we are truly living in our purpose, we give so much less time to distraction from comparison. That is the ultimate goal because, this world needs you to show up as you. Not you to show up as a second rate version of somebody else.
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All right, sister. That's all I got for you today, but I have two things that I need you to do. First thing, if you're not already following me on the gram, be sure to do so, juliealedbetter. Yes, it's with an A in middle, for that daily post-workout real talk, healthy tips and tricks and honest accountability to keep your mind and heart in check. The second thing, be sure to subscribe to Apple podcasts to never miss an episode. Thank you so much for joining me. It means the absolute world. I'm going to leave you with one last thought. The most beautiful women that I have met in my life are the ones who are completely confident and secure in being authentically themselves. Remember that beauty goes so much deeper than the surface, so go out there and embrace your real, because you're worth it.